daemoniccoyote's Blog

What can I say? I'm content with the path my life is going. Things are looking up. There's nothing much I'd like to change about myself at the moment.

It's life that I want to change. Life is sad. Why? The world is sad. When I look at someone upset, when I hear about someone who has died, or suffered, it saddens me. Every person who suffers makes the world at much sadder place, and this is what I want to change. If you've followed me to any extent on this site, you should understand that I've wanted to be an astrobiologist for a long time, so I could find an inhabitable planet, or maybe alien life, just something to help humanity crawl out from the darkness. I still would love to do that, but I don't think I will. I still think there's life out there, somewhere, and I'd love to be the one to find it. I love space and all the mystery, hope and potential it holds, but so do I love Earth and I'm not done here yet.

Let the idea that we can make peace amongst the stars, happiness amongst species and unity between worlds be some far fetched, distant dream for as long as that same idea is as far fetched on this one.

So, as I did last time, the problems I have to address:


Oh wait, no, we're not doing this. Because last time, I was depressed. This time, I'm not. So if you're reading this and you're depressed, remember that people make it out. And you don't need drugs, or counselling, though they help. A lot. Well, not the drugs part, I'm quite anti-drug use when it comes to depression. It helps some but generally I don't like it. 



There IS a problem, though, that I want to draw attention to. People who are depressed. I try to help depressed people where I see them, because of my own depression in the past. If you're reading this, and you're depressed, remember that you can make it out. But it has to be you. You want change, you want to change yourself, you will be that change. Nobody will do it for you.

But they can help. Oh, yes, they can help. Massively. But they can't do it for you. Depression is tough. It's hard. It's a constant uphill battle every single fukken step of the way. Many try to fight it, but that's a waste of time. See, that's all depression really is. Just struggling with yourself, every single step of the way. But life can always get better. It's hard. Really hard. But you can do it. 

I believe in you. You have to yourself. If you don't, well, believe in me who believes in you.

*Puts feet up* Sooo, aside from that one I typed ages ago that I couldn't be bothered to continue, I've never written a blog before.

I'll try to keep regular. Just type whatever I feel like. Whatever my musings are for the day. Need to work out a pace, tone, all that stuff. Blaaaaarg. Oh, wait, I haven't said anything of value yet.

So, anyway, just been thinking about friends and all that. Social stuff. I'm not much of a social person, which you'll probably know if you've read any of my stories. I'm looking forward to going to the Tuition Centre, since it'll give me a small environment of people to try and develop my social skills with. Maybe even make a friend or two. Then I get to go to Sixth Form College, hopefully meaning I'll get to make more friends.

 Also, want more online friends. Useful ones. Ones who are nice, interesting, funny, have similar interests and experiences to me. Good people. Preferably in England, but I shan't be picky! Though I shall be picky about age. *Turns up nose*

Did I mention I'm awesome? Yeaaaah, I'm awesome. Bow down to me! *Stares* For I am awesome.


Or something like that.




Wait, I forgot to find people who will read this! Uh oh!

This will be a series of blogs about how I change a world.

I don't want to breach anonymity too much, I'll just say I'm a 14 year old male here.

I don't think I'm a good person. I never feel happy, don't care about people's feelings, lack empathy, no manners, cling to my problems, cling to things people have done to me, things that have happened to me that were bad, and a very low opinion of myself.

I've thought for a long time, many, many days about that and only felt depressed and angry about myself, and never been able to work out how to change. I brainstormed long and hard today, and now I have a chart to map out all the good things I do, as well as any good quotes I think of to cheer Future-me on when I know future-me will be depressed and forget how to change things. 

I've never had many friends. Through primary school I had what I believed to be a friend but in hindsight he and I had no actual connection. In secondary school, I latched on to a few people, flailing for something to hold on to in an alien world. This was about the time my only friend and I fell apart because there wasn't any need for each other anymore. I settled with three people - A very kind hearted boy, a smart friendly boy and a boy who refused to talk to anyone in the corner. The latter took many weeks to welcome into the group.

History lesson done. Moving on to nowadays, Mr Smart knows how smart he is and has enough social graces to get along without us, Mr Quiet and I constantly argue I believe hate each other, Mr Kind-Heart is angry with the rest of us arguing in every conversation.

From here on, I'm speculating about what went wrong. I believe it's because we grew close enough to confide in each other and our ways of thinking and opinions were far too drastically different, coupled with both of our lack of social skills arguments arose between me and Mr Quiet. This appears to paint me as an "arsehole" in his eyes, viewing such arguments many spectators have agreed with him, calling me cruel. Mr Smart and Mr Quiet work very well in displaying my worst aspects of my character. The pinnacle argument between us regards a single subject - Asperger's Syndrome. I read the book "House Rules" by an author I do not recall and I started seeing similar mannerisms in myself, looking deeper and deeper into it I became convinced I was autistic, raising this with Mr Quiet he promptly disagreed, sparking arguments over how I was treating it as a good thing, misunderstanding it, how I plain was not autistic and how I was stupid because of these facts. This sums up most of our conversations, usually having me react with forgetting my original point or evidence, not remembering how to explain what I meant meant I was just being plain stupid, and I refused to believe him when I was stupid. I try to pick holes in his grammar to make his point fall apart, to which he calls me hypocritical and this all adds up to me almost, or actually hitting him.

Looking back over this, I still don't know what went wrong. Next up:

Immediate Family

Little brother - I despise him for his stupidity, stubbornness, laziness and mindless following of social convention. He's a skateboarder. I insult him often, calling him a chav, idiot or saying he should be "removed from the gene-pool". I always try to get out of the room whenever he's in the room.

Older Bro - I don't know much about him, he lives far away with his girlfriend, bit strapped for cash and once stole £3 off me for sweets when I was about 8ish. I still resent him for that, because he's yet to apologize or pay me back.

Eldest Bro - No real connection to him, lives in the next room to me, I'm pretty insulting to him too, but only when I'm hyped up. I call him "Fatboy", a term usually only used between him and my little brother. PCSO so I don't see him much.

Dad - Often argue with him when he thinks I've been rude and I (In my opinion) calmly point out his flaws and get told off all the more. Never get along with him, rarely willing to stay in the same room with him.

Mum - I don't really know...my brain has fizzed.

There was going to be something else, but I can't remember. I guess this will be how the rest of the posts go - Go on about how I change a world until I run out of steam. This is the problems with my world.